I am hurt...

There are no words to describe my pain...

I don`t know know where it`s from....

i Just want to cry....

But i wont. im gna smoke this black.... drink some water... take my meds....

and go to sleep.

why do i feel like i just got my heartbroken???

i like, dnt even KNOW why i`m feeling this way, i`m just REEAALLLYYY feelin some type of way

and yu shud kno tht i am bc i have the car to myself...

all night, nd all tomorrow until i leave nd i dont plan on going ANYWHERE.

fml.

Tomorrow

Mommie is coming to rescue me.

She`s gna pick me up after my class nd take me to a doc at hme to see if they can fix me up a lil better than they did here....

bc i have been DYING.

Then i`m going to cuddle all weekend with teddy bears until i have to come bck to this dreadful

place :(

So, now i`m going to just lay here.... no more tears, my liddle bro told me not to cry bc im stronger than tht... so im not gna cry... imma toughen up and wait for my mommie.

:/

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary...

It`s almost bed time. i have a test tomorrow...

wish me luckkk. i`ve been sleeping just about all day....

but wen i woke up i made an effort to practice some problems :/

i can nooooot let this sickness get me down.

I am happy to say, I am thankful to everyone who has been checkn on me.

i hope they know i really appreciate it...

it feels good to know i`m loved and cared for nd tht thy r tryna help me get thru this mess.

I am listenin to music rii now, i have a LOT on my mind.

I`m not gonna share it all, but i will say that people are nothin but liars.

Liars, and cheaters.... thieves....

Stealing feelings from ppl they don`t deserve... cheating, tryn to get ahead...

cheating on their significant others... or someone they claim they want nd love...

Lying to the ppl who care, or who are at least supposed to matter.

What is this world coming to? i can not believe some of the things going on

around me. it`s very upsetting, esp since some of these ppl i thought i knew, nd i thought cared

and had some sort of love for me... once again i`ve been fooled. Just bringn me back to the thought that i hate all people, and i need no one but myself...

Because i kno tht i can make me happy. i don`t need.... && i refuse to depend on anyone else for happiness. That`s not only a sign of weakness, but where`s the self love? and self esteem?

Yu shud never need the love of another to make you, whole. Although, that love is what we all long for...

Sometimes it is not found right away, but it will come. It just takes time and patience...

Self control...

People lack control.... they lack self esteem, they lack dignity...

They lack confidence and courage.... respect... the ability to love the right way. to be honest. trustworthy...

And it doesn`t even have to be in a real relationship it can be in friendships, and in family bonds also... I just don`t understand....

Liars, cheats, and thieves.... smfh.

i shall end this, and continue listenin to this music... and lettin it easeee my mind. and get my mind off of frivolous people, and this horrrible illness :(

i miss you

Where are you? and i`m so sorry...

I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight...

I need somebody and always....

This sick strange darkness, comes creeping on so haunting every time

And as i stared I counted the webs from all the spiders

Catching things and eating their insides

Like indecision to call you

and hear your voice of treason...

will you come home and stop this pain tonight,

why don`t you stop this pain tonight.....

I just have one thing to say....

I saw your status && the comments. && I knew it.

Your are and always have been full of shit.

I like how you added all the extra stuff too, like the don't talk to me anymoreeee...

and before that all the "i`m mad at yu, we haven't tlkd" stuff.... the waterworks. the everything.

Reaaaal cute. And to actually think I was hurt you didn't want anything to do w me.

I'm so stupid....

buhhh, its ok bc i jus see who & wat yu rly are. i hope you are HAPPY as hell.

Off of pathetic people, and moving on.........

I have been sick for a whole week now. they say it can last anywhere from 1 to 4 weeks...

hopefully mine goes away w the quickness. I feel like i`m dying almost...

I have been soooo sad nd sooo depressed, nd weaaaak. Been sleeping so much.

:/ my life is just in shambles.

only for now tho, while i`m sick. when i am better i will be bck to my normal fun self again.

I can't wait til i can go home again... i need some comfort.

:(

i have been miserableeee.

UGHHHH. i just want to go home nd lay up under my ma. i have had enuff upsets and disappointments for the week already.....

Untitled...

My love for you runs deep….

So deep that I’d do anything in my power just to keep you..

From leaving me…

I don’t know what it is about you that I’m drawn to…

I can easily withdraw from you…. physically…

But what is this hold you have on me…emotionally.??

I should have seen it coming from the very start…

A hold so strong that even I can’t reach my own heart…?

And here I sit,

Crying..... so much that half the time I don't even realize it

I’m running this race and yet my tears fall short of the mile.

I keep asking myself

In the end, will all of this hurt be worth while?

They say love is pain,

But it should be only for love in which you have something 2 gain.

Do I...?

I suppose that…

Its just my nature to second guess

Things that seem to stress me. The most.

What are these feelings?

This shit makes no sense to me,

With you is where I always thought I was meant to be…

Did I sell myself short?

All these questions, I want and need the answers to…

I’m drowning again, going under…

It is this way because my heart is torn asunder….

And to my misfortune….YOU hold all the pieces.

Why……..?

Happiness is no where in sight…

I don't understand because I feel as if I’m doing everything right

Or am I not…?

Second guessing myself once again

Because I’m realizing I fucked up when I let you in…

And Damn…

Now you have a part of me that's not rightfully yours…

But you see, Its my own fault, because when you knocked…

I didn't think about it I just opened the doors….

Just let you walk into something you shouldn't have been welcome to

Something I shouldn't have just given to you…

So freely. So mindlessly.

Because now I’m paying the price

If I’d known this before hand, I would have thought twice.

I was so ready…

Ready to give wholeheartedly,

But never expecting to lose sight of whats most important.

Me…

Patience, I once had…

Now its wearing thin, and I’m afraid

Because I’m fighting a battle that I know for I fact I can't win.

So why haven’t I put down my hands…?

I’m weak, and I’m weary…

Nothing left in me.

Drained of all feelings I once had

Nothings there, just numb.

This wouldn't be, if to you I hadn’t succumb.

Not just to you, but to the bottle too…

It is only after a few glasses do I find serenity…

And when my cup gets empty, reality hits me…

So I keep my cup full…

Drowning away in my sorrow

With no desire to see tomorrow….

But I do, and the pain strikes again….

Only this time harder than before,

Everyday getting closer 2 the point where, I jus can’t take it anymore….

But I’m still here….

Why…..?

That question I fear will never be answered.

SO tonight was interesting....

Sooo....

I spent the day w my bestie. for the most part.

We watched scary movies nd was trippinnnnn

I mean I haven`t seen my baby in a while, she`s been workin at camp for the past 2 months I believe.

Pretty much the WHOLE summer.

SO!!

Aftr we had been watchn movies, Tawanda calls.

And for those of yu who dont` know, thas my other half. well, "supposed to be"

lol.

we been havin a few issues lately, buttttt thas another blog!!!

so, anyways, she calls nd was like "babe wat yu doin?"

so i was like, i`m watchn scary movies w my baby nd audrey nd nina.

she says "oh i wna see yall b4 i go to the movies"

Court tells her where Nina lives, nd she comes over.

So we all watchn the movie nd shit.... nd COurt saying lil slick shit

So i`m laughin it off....

then me nd wanda ride 2 mickey d`s....

so we get nuggets nd ish, havn a good ole time..

then it`s time for us to leave....

SO we in the mutha fuckn CAR.......

&& I said i`mma spend the night w yu....

she was like "NO" LOL

so i was like can i stay?

she says "NO" again ryt??

lol nd i asked like 3 more times cuz i thought the shit was funny.....

so she kept sayin no....

so she gonna say "when i wantd yu to stay yu were out va beach w yur new frnds" lol

nd i was weak, so i jus left it alone.....

we get to my crib, nd we pullin up nd guess wat she say?

"BABE gimme a kiss"

So i said nah man, she gon grab my hair nd do wateva ryt?

so then she was like "I love yu baby" nd i ain say nthn back..

......OH yall aint ready for this shit......

lol

THIS GIRL CALLS ME....

&& was like, "so yu cnt tell me yu love me too?"

Nd i said no.... && jus GUESS wtf she said lol

SHE SAID "COME TO MY HOUSE" yu thnk i went?

Hell naw. i was like why yu wnt me to come when yu jus said no?

&& guess wat the answer was?

I wntd yu to come bc i wntd us to have sex, to make up....

What THE MOTHER FUCK???

so, i guess i`m a sex object now lol

&& yu know wat? THAS FUCKIN FINE.....

I refuse to to that. what problem would tht solve??

NOTHIN at all... thas jus an excuse to not acknowledge the situation at hand....

like? rly?

dude....

we been havn MAJOR issues for about 3 to 4 weeks now...

&& yu wna have sex nd make it all go away?? UGH

I`m flabbergasted....

thas all i have 2 say for now....

SMMFH....

(shakes my mutha fuckn head)